“Good evening esteemed ladies and gentleman. Tonight I have come to talk to you about 3 very important issues which I think this house will need to address in the upcoming months; floop1, floom2 and floosh3. Now, yes, I notice that already some of the speakers here are giggling. I would remind them that they will be treated with the same contempt those present may have held for those who in high school would laugh at the word ‘breast’. I have no time for their immaturities so let me continue over their mirth.

I will begin with floop, which I have noticed is being given a steadier leniency in the few months which have passed. Now ladies and gentleman not only are our children beginning to become exposed to this type of foul substance and treachery, but many of them are forced towards this by their parent’s use of the same substance! We have had reported incidences of people coming home from their ‘drug providers’ with severely altered states of mind, this is extremely traumatic for all of the parties involved. I will call the house’s attention to these statement I have received from some of my constituents:

“The way that they treated him, it made him feel like he was worthless.”
“Brian was being kept on, and was high on the floop he was provided, so they     could continue to make $20 a week off of him”
“He gave me floop, and…it wiped out my life. I got addicted to it”

Now I am aware that other esteemed members of the house will compare floop to, say, alcohol or tramadol or other drugs with useful purposes that have the ability to be abused. To those people I will say this; when a mother has had her son taken away from her, cut down in the prime of his life, by these floop peddlers; when someone goes out one day, even to the doctor in some cases(!) and then comes home a completely different person, all thanks to the likes of floop, who are we ladies and gentleman to ignore their plight? We have thousands and thousands of homeless people on our streets today, how many of them have been exposed to floop over the years? My research shows that over 90% of them are recommended for these powerful, dangerous substances at some point in their lives and I say enough! It is our job, our duty, to provide these people with real, tangible care. Yes, I know that some people abuse those otherwise good and righteous substances that are available for them at the moment. I’ve seen alcoholics and I’ve seen those on synthetic opiates, I’ve seen how these things can ruin lives, but they can also do good for the community and the family. So why do I say no to floop, in any circumstance? The case against using floop medically is too high! And we can’t ignore it any longer. There are better treatments, I don’t care if you have Alzheimer’s or Glaucoma, we have the ability to treat you with safe drugs and those poor people being led away from the true path to mental and physical health by this…snake oil are the ones who are truly suffering.

Now to floom. I know this is a difficult subject to breach. Not only here, where I feel it is disrespectful to the house that I am even mentioning it, unfortunately necessity has mandated that I must, but also in schools, churches and households all over the country. Now our young people are having a problem with floom like we have never seen. Not only are they exposed to horrid floom pornography and chatrooms on the internet, something I have spoken to the culture secretary about repeatedly, but they are also seeing it in parks, sometimes even on the street and in bars. The exposure has never been higher. It is because of this that I insist we include a comprehensive anti-floom education in our curriculum. It is vital!”

At this point about half of the house is in arms, the whips try and get a hold on their party while the overseer calls for order. This brief interval does very little to calm those riled by the speech, most of whom are now perched on the edge of their respective benches.

“It is vital! And I will tell you why. Many victims of these horrid abominations never seek help! Many of them don’t even feel as though they are victims! Can you tell me how awful that must feel to think that living out a lifestyle which includes so many instances of these vile acts is ‘healthy’ and ‘normal’. Those who speak out are currently marginalized by a society which thinks that somehow choice both factors into the equation at every turn (which I can assure the house it does not) and that anyone who speaks out against someone’s ‘choice’ is an oppressor of civil liberties! Well I am here today to tell you ladies and gentlemen that this is not true! Not only can people escape from an endless cycle of floom but furthermore I contend that anyone who does not seek help is not in his or her right mind!…If the chief whips could bring their parties to order….thank you. I say this without shame. How many women are currently in shelters who have been in floom-themed relationships? How many people in rehabilitation programs? How many sex workers? The numbers are in the thousands, and if the current government made enforcing the laws already in place concerning this I would not be surprised if these numbers shot up to the hundreds of thousands! So many lives have been told apart by this, and what is the current right honorable chancellor doing to support them? Nothing I say! He is turning a blind eye on their plight. I propose we start teaching pupils at a very early age that this is not only an unhealthy lifestyle but also a form of assault, and it should be handled by the government as such! I have proposed the motion and it will be heard next Tuesday at 10am. I will hope that those amongst you with children will understand the threat this poses to their futures and join me in a rousing aye!

I know I enjoy a stronger support with my next point to be put before the house which is that of floosh. The slow stream of immigrants in to this country has left us a very divided nation. There are those who remember Britain as she was, a shining beacon in the ocean, bringing hope and bestowing order on the world. A Britain where we knew our culture, we had an identity. And now what? We see various groups come in, and with the kind, reassuring hand of the right honorable Prime Minister are led down a path where they can inflict their cultures on these unsuspecting Brits who only want to work, who only want to provide for their families. Where once we saw prosperity on these isles now we see none. These floosh laws, hurried through these chambers to avoid dissent, must be stopped immediately. It is not for the taxpayer to pick up the wreckage of someone’s broken life. We must of course sympathise with those who need aid, but as I have already discussed there are many, many more pressing issues our own people are having to deal with. Surely before we can bestow aid on those whose governments have failed them we must ensure that every British household is first satisfied and provided for.

When the floods came last year the right honorable Prime Minister had 48 hours notice, did he do anything? No. When the foreign banks crashed? They threw our hard-earned money in to them! When Father’s for Justice stood on the roof of parliament, or when our nation’s fine huntsmen came in to this very room and demanded, demanded, that they be allowed to carry on the traditions of our ancestors, what did this government do? They handcuffed those men, put them in the back of trucks and accused them of treason and trespassing! Without so much as a thought as to why they might be taking such a drastic stance against their own government. When the floom-beneficiaries talk about the same things, even when the issues are the same, and ladies and gentlemen of the house you can look at these issues for yourself; childcare, tax benefits, the right to carry out traditions which may not appear conventional in these times. Every time you will find this government supported the rights of a floosh nature were approved, whilst those of good British people were turned down. Why is this my esteemed colleagues? Ask yourself what benefit Britain gains by bending to the will of these heathens?

None I say, and enough I say!

Thank you very much”